these days...

yesterday after the bean's nap, i was able to squeeze in a little computer time. from the back room i could hear her, quietly singing to herself and soft little conversations going on in the living room. for 15 minutes or more this continued.


i caught her underneath the coffee table (where i had stored her little people the night before) in the throes of her baby world. needless to say, we are slightly addicted to these vintage little people (even if they aren't safe for kids these days...apparently they fit in a tp tube, which means they can fit in a tiny esophagus...we will have to move them once tiny is mobile and putting everything in her mouth). she already had a lovely, 1970s looking house, but added an airport and airplane, and a playground for her birthday.


all ready to eat lunch around their table. she finds such joy in arranging them all in chairs around the table, bringing them huge pretzels or gigantic cheerios to "eat" and giving them her spoons and forks for their meal. it amuses me to see her mimicking our daily life so accurately.

these days have been pretty good.

correction...and hello adulthood.

i have been informed that i mis-typed the word "public" as "pubic." i'm thinking that leaving it that way really epitomizes my state of affairs when i wrote the post...my total abnormal, emotional, exhausted state, that is. i hope that it made you laugh, in addition to imagining me at the outlet mall.

also, we bought our first mini van last night...and i'm totally excited about it! seriously. seriously excited. i gladly welcome adulthood. pictures to follow.

beanisms

though this child drives me nuts on many occasions (i have instituted the "naughty chair" already), she makes me laugh in so many other ways:

-she LOVES beans (go figure)...any type, but especially pinto, edamame and garbanzo beans. crazy child.

-she only eats frozen blueberries, which, to my dismay, are like eating a packet of rit dye. she looks like she's doused herself in ink after she's done. case in point (she's also mastered the art of "saying cheese"...also a good way to get her to let me brush her teeth):





-she loves to spin around and "dance" for us.

-she woke up the other night (ugh...2:30) asking for a book. yes, to sleep with in the dark. this is now her night-night, jesus book (this is no soft book either; nice, hard board book, folks.) again, crazy.

-she is the most friendly kid i know...going up to strangers and shaking their hands, saying "hi" to everyone at costco. she gets that from her papa, i think.

we went to the queen mary today...and, just as a word to the wise, DO NOT pay admission/travel across country to see this. it's up for sale, believe it or not, and is poorly maintained/labeled/marketed/located/etc. we, however, went because it was free. that is the only reason i would recommend going...unless things change. but, besides that, we had a nice time walking around, climbing lots of stairs and letting the bean run around/look at the water/boats/people.

an eggs and tortilla kind of day

or, rather, an eggs and tortilla* kind of year.

growing up i remember having eggs and tortillas for breakfast, sometimes for lunch, and, if i recall correctly, even occasionally for dinner. as an adult (and the primary cook for my family) eggs and tortillas have become the "fallback meal". maybe there's another name for this type of meal, but i'm sure everyone has one: potatoes and eggs; cereal; pancakes; pb & j. the easy-i'm-so-tired-and-worn-out-and-i-can't-possibly-whip-anything-creative-up-right-now-kind-of-meal.

i had one of those days the other day. in fact, i've had many of those days recently. i'm sure being pregnant, corralling a toddler, and teaching part-time has something to do with it, but i feel this is just a metaphor for a bigger change in my life...perhaps an ongoing change.

i recently learned that i have a melancholic personality (no surprise there) which lends itself towards both good and bad traits...as any personality would. i tend towards being deep and thoughtful, serious, purposeful, creative, sensitive and idealistic. i am also quite perfectionistic, cautious and moody. this new (yet really old) realization about myself has me thinking about this "eggs and tortilla" metaphor...obviously over-thinking and analyzing everything as my personality is prone towards:

maybe, though, this is how new moms all feel: a little frazzled day to day, counting days from nap to nap, meal to meal, trip to the grocery store and back....wondering where the moments (oh those elusive moments!) when you feel productive for yourself, proud of (in my case) some creative accomplishment. i'm feeling like an automaton lately, missing the days of pre-baby where i could get into that creative, "melancholic zone" to create some thoughtful, artistic product. this "eggs and tortilla" stage of my life seems like it will be lasting longer, so i'm trying to figure out how to notch out a chunk (even a little one???) to sit, think, make, communicate. this is proving harder than i'd like.

i think i'm still figuring out that fine balance between self and others (babies, husband, house)...still longing for those long stretches of alone time knitting, art making, reading, antique store shopping (clearly a big no-no with the bean lately)...i've found a nice place for knitting being that i can read a pattern and execute it rather quickly without the bean really caring (or destroying). but art making is harder: i need to change format (much smaller), thoughtfulness/time consumption (more sketch like?) and maybe even content (who knows there...) to allow for these short bursts of alone time.

then again, i need to not be so hard on myself, not so idealistic.

and, perhaps, i need to embrace the fact that i'm no longer single (that's what we now call "pre-baby"), no longer in grad school (the biggest, most wonderful, self-indulgent time!), i am tired, i am different.

this is okay...i just wish i was quicker at embracing this reality.

so, with that in mind, i plan on making at least a little more-involved dinner (can tortillas still be involved?) and a nice dessert (mostly because i need some sweet comfort). maybe i'll also prep some *small*, manageable pieces of paper to make some work. wish me luck!

*eggs & tortillas:
-heat oil in a pan until hot. throw in cut/torn corn tortillas and fry until crispy.
- crack a couple/few eggs into pan and cook until mixed and scrambled.
- serve hot with ketchup, salsa, sour cream, hot sauce...whatever.
- yum.

one year.

we have been here already for one year, and, really, it's hard to believe. yesterday marks the one year anniversary since the husband's installation/ordination. i suppose i have mixed feelings about this...in fact, there are many things to be happy for, but many things still seem absent. we are making headway in the church, but it seems like such a huge hill to climb...much like Sisyphus walking up his mountain. is this pointless and unrewarding? not really, but really not what we expected or really intended. i, in particular, am ever-so-slowly learning to look for (and actually find) some element of positive in all of these things. for example:
-we live in a lovely (though horribly wood-panelled) house with plenty of space.
-i have had two great jobs (at least for the resume) where i've still been able to teach what i love.
-we are close to the ocean and our favorite california things.
-we live close to downtown which is great for bargain fabric runs!
-we have a lovely daughter who will call CA her home.
-i have had plenty of free time to focus on sewing, knitting, art, parenting and home-making.
-we are (finally) renovating the nursery at church, and under my artistic/motherly direction, it should be awesome!
-we started a youth small group at our house, and, to our surprise/elation, there were 16 kids on sunday (11 were invites!)
-i am slowly making some new friends, including the bean's new babysitter, a lovely woman we knew very briefly in st. louis. she is a nice reminder of that home.

today we travel to orange county to also remember the husband's father who died one year ago today. this, in particular, reminds us of the bad things we have experienced since being here. yes, we have seen twelve people die in one year (one per month almost! yuck.), not including his father. this is too much death for us...too much mourning and seeing times change. too much maintenance and not enough growth, innovation, experimentation. so, overall, we have mixed feelings about this past year. they are mostly good, and we are learning to laugh at the bad ones. i still miss good friends and community. soon.

finally, the long-awaited video of the bean walking. forgive the low light; it was getting dark and we are in desperate need of another living room lamp. she cracks me up, though, with her love of phones...you can hear her saying 'hi' in the phone. also, her little "couch" was a gift, unappreciated at first, but i am learning to love it because she adores it. (plus, she looks so precious lounging in it with her arms on the rests and a juice cup in the cup holder...i need to get a picture of that one day.) please also excuse her cleavage...her dress was falling off.

the big mama, i guess.

finally, here it is.

needless to say, life has been way too crazy and complicated lately, and when i've had a bit of free time it's been filled with a tiny nap or a failed attempt at making some artwork. mostly, though, i've been writing/planning curricula, grading, cooking, cleaning and doing things for church. somewhere in the past three months we went on vacation, had house guests for three weeks, participated in a stupid workplace mediation, went to a cross-country wedding, started a new teaching position, and, as of literally right now, had another member die in our church. so, tonight's plans of hanging out with the family are trumped by this. i can't say i'm getting used to this, because i'm not. it's almost laughable how much this tiny, disfuctional entity of a church takes up our time. we just agreed that there is too much death around us.

so, with that news, i write the "big mama" of blog posts. and, in actuality, i really don't want to do this, but am doing it begrudgingly. probably only so i can move past this past summer and post about the present. yes, summer is past; fall is here...i guess you can call 85 degree days fall. i really want to knit a winter hat now, but can't figure out when i would really wear it. it would be silly, but i really miss st. louis in the fall. crisp air, scarves, purposeful knitting, clear cold deep breaths. soon it will drop into the 70s here and we'll complain how cold it is. funny, this is.

and, that is enough of the summer for me. if you would like to know more about our vacation, please email. it was wonderful, and i'm longing for a trip into the mountains where church people can't call our cell phones, time with the family at the public library and leisurely reading. (if you are a churchworking family, email, because the place was also FREE. free. and absolutely, granite countertop nice. seriously.) anyway....

now reality:
- my new job is wonderful. busy, too time-consuming, but so refreshingly wonderful. nice people, smiling faces, happy demeanors. who knew work could be enjoyable? (*mediation side-bar recap: awful, stupid waste of time; i wound up walking out of the face-to-face mediation with my prior colleague when she proceeded to berate me and treat me like a child in front of the mediator. crazy. she is, that is.) i am not enjoying, however, the raging high school hormones that are everywhere. i was NOT like this as a high schooler (hiding my pent-up desire for the awkward jesse behind my grungy thrift store ensembles and doc martens.)

- church is KIND OF getting better. kind of. but in reality i think we are just getting more used to it and trying to adapt. we won two sizzler gift cards at last week's pie ice cream social! woo hoo! (read sarcasm.) i was sorely disappointed that i was the only one who made pie from scratch (two at that!), especially coming from all of these old ladies. we are pining for other opportunities...those with young people, births, baptisms, kids, energy and good music. these folks are lovely, but we are doing the wrong type of cross-cultural ministry....at least for us. but, on a more positive note, we are hosting a high school group next sunday at our house and we are praying that it goes well and we can really affect their lives; one girl already asked if she could bring like 6 friends (6!). awesome. hopefully they all come.

- in bean news...she is officially a walker (finally!). 14.5 months into this whole life thing and she is (somewhat) a bi-ped. she has a nasty shiner on her cheekbone from this morning's smack into the door frame. just a few walking kinks to work out. soon, i'm sure, we'll be buying a baby leash. but, she is truly growing into a lovely child who knows a lot and listens very well too. she is fond of the words "uh oh", "ball", "bottle", "milk", "shoe", "berry", "mama", "papa" and can bark and meow if asked (i must say that most of the words, save uh-oh and ball, are all said with the first sound, "ba" and "sh"; context is key for understanding which word she is saying.) she can show us her tummy, nose, ear and head, and when she's in the mood, gives a nasty dirty look. go bean!

and, with that, i am already tired of blogging. i am wondering how the husband is doing with the family of the member (and neighbor) who just died. my mind is so preoccupied with thoughts...sorry for the rambling. hopefully i'll be back to normal soon. again, sorry for the hiatus. blessings.


yes, we buckled and bought a huge tunnel from ikea. but it brings her so much enjoyment (and, thankfully, squishes together when not in use.)


now that she walks, she loves this bee. we splurged on her birthday and opted for this over the plastic-y dora the explorer-type thing. it was a nice choice.


trying to get papa who is hiding inside the new carseat box.

not my normal self

so...so i am really feeling bogged down with preparing for this new school year that i really don't feel myself. and, believe it or not, i really would rather be posting about our long-ago vacation than lesson planning, but reality calls.

so...eventually i will finish my vacation series, move on to the post-vacation-lots-of-friends series, to the post-friends-depression series, to the bullcrap-former-employer-mediation-nonsense series, to the post-first-day-of-school series (it probably will be that long before i catch up!), and, finally, i will be caught up with the future present. wow...did that make any sense?

anyhow, life goes on, though rather difficultly (is that a word? can you tell that my mind is on overload??) with the recent mediation and my total lack of faith in healthy work structures (except my current one, of course). i am learning the art of moving on and beyond an awful (evil?) person slandering me, belittling me, demeaning me in front of a perfect stranger. this is proving to be a very difficult task. this is also a HUGE story that i really don't have the attention span for right now. sorry. it will come...i promise. needless to say, i love my new job. i really love it. i am blessed that through all of the crap from last semester, i can say that i still love my job. and i still love people. i just don't love my former supervisor.

anyway, the bean still is not walking (13 months), but pulls herself up on everything...including the toilet seat, my husband tells me, and attempts to bat at the stream of urine. she was sternly reprimanded earlier this evening. usually i just catch her with my cell phone, ready to call some far away number, or with a really expensive art pen, usually black and the cap ready to come off. so far no awful disasters. i'm sure they are coming, though.

so...i will be back soon. surely i will be my normal self.

vacation, part I

we survived a lovely vacation (minus about three days when beanzilla manifested and we spent 150 bucks to take her to the doctor because we thought something was seriously wrong. thankfully not, but we were very close to spanking her. thankfully not also.) anyway, for now, just some photos of me with the bean with minimal commentary. more photos to come...because, dang it, it was so awesome and you need to "experience" it in small doses.

our first full day of exploring...we wound up at rock creek lake and hiked around the lake. we are wussy hikers; no huge backpacks and hiking shoes. hand sewn mai tais for us. city folk. but isn't she cute?!


testing out rock creek lake...and letting the little bean legs get going.


the back of our "rustic" lodge (pictures to follow), just because. just because i couldn't resist buying her some cammo pants, and then just because i couldn't resist her huge diaper butt in them. (if you know, i HATE hunting cammo worn as real clothing...mostly seen in the midwest. these, you might notice, resemble army cammo. THAT is completely acceptable.)


atop mammoth mountain, elevation 11,000 feet. it was wonderful.


those two mini dots in the front are me and the bean, freezing our buns in june lake. this lake was incredible...clear, blue, tree-lined. perfect for a swim.

i love this kid

seriously, even when she wakes me up at 3 in the morning, screaming like we're murdering her, demanding in sign language, "more, more, more. milk, milk!!!"





the following two photos need some commentary because we couldn't help but feel refreshed during the two days we spent in san diego county earlier this week. i don't take many pictures of downey because, frankly, it's ugly. flat, concrete-y and filled with mom-and-pop hispanic strip malls (not the quaint mom-and-pop uprisings near the beach that make you feel cozy and earthy; these ones sell donuts and chinese food and pre-paid phone cards and sport a shabby 1970s "stone" facade.) the husband's dad's house overlooks a hill (with green plant-life!!!) that glimpses the pacific ocean and the beach. heaven. seriously. i've never wanted to drop down and roll around in an ice plant as much as when we left downey. heaven.

flashback, part I

so...one year ago tomorrow was my due date. not only was i huge, but i was also seriously irked and slowly becoming depressed that this little bean was not coming out. the husband had somehow convinced me that she would be born on 7.7.07, but that came and went with me sorely disappointed and angry that i thought the husband actually knew anything about when babies are to be born (lesson from that: don't listen to the husband's illogical predictions, and lesson for him: don't predict things you know nothing about.)

so, because we will be out of town on the 14th, here is an early present for all of you, just to remind you of the past:



one photo before we go in to be induced (this was on the 19th...TWELVE DAYS after the 7th!).

milestones

...here they come! well, they've been coming for a while, but it seems like milestone season these days. here are just a few as of late:

-the bean's first swim class
-the bean's first strawberry (which, by the way, was received with elation and screams for more)

and now...
-the bean's first haircut (to get ready for the upcoming first birthday):

before:


during (she was so compliant throughout the whole process, perhaps lured by a princess toy though):




after: i have to say that i requested the bangs and think they are SO cute. i actually wanted them shorter like little pixie bangs, but the husband quickly nixed that idea. anyway, for a girl who can't do bangs, i think i will live vicariously through the bean (at least until they grow out.)


then pizza at the beach. she was enthralled with the man throwing the dough and putting it in the oven.


it was a long and busy day, especially for a little girl who refused to take a nap:
(she fell asleep in her wet swimsuit and kept sleeping after the husband took her out of the carseat; she NEVER does this.)


**and, lastly, just a note to pique your interest about upcoming things:
-the bean's birthday...which means more photos, including me VERY, VERY pregnant.
-sewing photos...lots of new bean-clothes
-updates and instructions about the upcoming art swap...i'm still looking for more participants!!!

so late, but i'll try

i must share these funny things before bedtime (and because i need to finish this day on a good note):

-during our near brush with death (stomach flu), the husband caught the worst of it first, leaving me to watch the bean playing around while i lay on the floor. as the two of us were playing, she heard papa retching violently in the bathroom. needless to say, it caught her attention (and, frankly, mine too). head perked up, she proceeded with the sign for dog and a few barks. yes, bean, that IS a dog.

-lately i've also been trying to teach her what her tummy is since she's been hitting it like she's a jolly old santa these days. we'll go back and forth: "bean's tummy, mommy's tummy" and so on. so tonight before bed while putting on her pj's i asked, "where's bean's tummy?" and she slapped her stomach. then, "where's mama's tummy?" and, yes, folks, she slapped both of my boobs.

i laugh out loud just thinking about it.

crazy kids.

consequences

so....because i'm not enjoying the clean-up after about four days of being sick, plus still feeling weak and queasy, plus having a melt-down and cursing my wasted hour-and-a-half on a ruined baptism banner for sunday (seriously, why can't their banner be read in a mirror???):

i gave in to my crying, tired and hungry bean. what ensued was not only more mess for me to clean up, but, in the end, a little levity to my sour mood. she looked so innocent (yet so guilty) with fig bar smeared all over her head. good thinking, mom. alas, at least i feel a smidge better.

we're here!

okay, after our stint with wordpress, we have officially moved. thank you for joining us.

without going into details, blogger has a much easier, prettier and functional blogging system. this will work out so much better. and, with this move, i have decided (we'll see how long it lasts) to try (try, try, try) to be more positive and embrace reality. so, you will notice my "real home" photos--what a real home looks like...none of these idyllic bloggy homes--and hopefully you won't be discouraged because, like you, i have a problem folding laundry and taking the trash out. also, i will also try to be more thankful. so, as a start, i am thankful for our very large, very wood-paneled home (more photos to come.) please change your favorites/bookmarks/links to keep in touch with us! and sorry for the inconvenience!!!